I am in this incredibly unique situation where I am surrounded by many woman fighting for sobriety. Some days look like a true throw down for life, and others you look around and think… Everyone seems so normal and fine. What exactly are we all doing here!? When most days our biggest problem is why do we have to follow these seemingly childlike rules it’s so hard to remember most of came from deaths door. It becomes so easy to get irritated at current circumstances or comments, and people and things. I sure as hell know I do! I remember sitting in the rooms of AA and hearing an “old timer” speak about the cliche of just being one wrong turn away from the ditch. I remember being in the basement of teen challenge and hearing the statistic that 3 out of 4 of us wouldn’t make it. 6 days from now I will hit my 6 month sobriety date and that ditch… That statistic has held so true. It has proven over and over again to be so very real. I am at fault for having thoughts of maybe someday drinking again. I feel like I even know it won’t be just be drink. Like I want to binge over a weekend and then stop. I can’t help But laugh when I say that out loud Because my one drink is a few bottles. Lets be honest… More than a few bottles. And unless a weekend is never ending I am talking more than a weekend. My drinking was not for the faint hearted! My drinking scared the shit out of some of the most severe alcoholics I’ve ever met. I am lucky to be alive after the physical damage I did to my internal body. As I say goodbye to yet another women I pray for God to watch over her. I thank him for helping her find her way back to sobriety, and I ask that he protects her heart, her mind and her spirit. I thank him for his protection over all the currently healing addicts and for those who are still sick and suffering.
For a girl who never had to even ride a school bus, and had a car to her name and keys in her hand before she passed her drivers test at 16 I am never unamused that my weeks consist of countless bus rides on public transportation. It Deffinately provides a good outlet for people watching. The music seeps into my internal sound system as I create endless stories for the people I am surrounded by. Where are they going? Why are they so angry? How in love is that couple? I can imagine the elder man with a duffel on his way to see his estranged daughter. The young pregnant woman on the way to the doctor to see a 3d ultrasound quietly praying the father will show up. So many people in the same place at the same time.. yet walking in completely different seasons of life. My path has been nothing short of rocky and tumultuous, but I have to remind myself that all the conditions I have endured have led me here now in this moment for a reason. I am learning to be joyful and open where I am at while I am getting where I am going!
I feel the ripple effects of past decisions, but Sundays I feel the waves. The blessings I feel when I wake up, and see my sons dark brown curls sticking out from under his blanket are incomparable. My heart is so full in those quiet moments as I let him sleep just a few moments longer. Morning praises to my God who has gotten me this far, and gives me strength for the week ahead gives me hope. Aries and I’s conversations as we walk the journey back to my former home are mind blowing. His knowledge of all things life grows immensely every week. I savor our good bye hug for everything that its worth. I tell his father, the love of my life & kryptonite, good day and that I’ll call them when I make it home safe. Last night my my husband.. Or going to be ex… Or that man I’ve called my own since I was 17.. Whatever he is.. He lost his phone. I don’t know exactly when I will talk to Aries again. I know it will be soon, but never soon enough. On the bus ride home I smell the overwhelming aroma of fading alcohol. I see the distant look of eyes lost in pills, and meth and many other substances. I don’t crave anything. Except maybe a seat on the couch next to Aries watching him play some game I don’t understand. I am thankful for the place God has set for me to heal my spirit. I have faith whatever happens with my kryptonite will be for the best. But here now back in my room with two beds.. One is still empty for the week. The reality of all that I have lost is still real. The bus ride home alone is hard. Community living IS hard. Treatment is hard. Letting go of a soulmate is hard. Not having your son constantly around… Well… Its hard! I am learning to trust God. Right now however my heart still hurts, because Sunday’s are hard.
Recovery, transformation, faith, love, marriage, God, parenting, pain, sickness, divorce, relapse, strength.. Hope…… Too far? Too soon? I am not sure where my journey is taking me but I sure know I am ready to continue the ride!
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton